I’ve been deep in a shame spiral about where I’ve ended up or rather haven’t ended up at all. I have no house and no concrete plan. I’ve slowly unmasked the entire facade of an identity that no longer fits the bill for the kooky bitch that I am. Shame is the logical choice while transition takes precedent. My heart tells me there’s more. There must be more.
I’m reminded that shame isn’t the sensation I want to prioritize and dwell within. Shame sends me into the pits of executive dysfunction. It has me idoling on my phone for far longer than I care to admit. Shame makes me feel tiny — like I’m 5 years old and unable to make thoughtful decisions cause I’m just a fuckin kid.
When I think about shame, my breath shortens and sharpens. Shame makes my shoulders tight and jaw clinch shut. Shame tells my body it’s not to be trusted. Shame promises the body’s secrets from entering its awareness for being entirely too difficult to metabolize.
Shame doesn’t inspire to read poetry, fiction and fantasy from artists of past and present grappling with a fallen empire. Shame doesn’t create space to blissfully watch that shitty romcom during a matinee screening — the biggest takeaways being the Japanese Breakfast single and lack of nuance for anything beyond toxic heteronormativity. Shame doesn’t encourage to have hard talks with a former roommate about sobriety and the grace I’m asking for in response to my very real triggers.
Shame holds us back. Shame contains our flaws and harms us if we exercise our right to be human in all of its multiplicity. Shame creates prisons for acts too unbearable to reckon with. Shame creates institutions for behavior too ugly to manage.
I’m reminded that shame isn’t a tool I want to prioritize. Shame doesn’t pave the way for the change I want to inspire, become, or cultivate in this world. Shame is a learned behavior; I am taking the time to unlearn it.
I remember to breathe — from Barri’s pool every afternoon before taking a bath with the inevitable summer storm. I remember to take time to notice —from my sister’s front porch free of the incessant buzz of the cops racing too-and-from the precinct. I can hear myself think again without shame taking precedent.
I redirect myself towards love. I find love while my peers hit the pavement for No Kings and I draw momentum from the strife to paint tea towels in the backyard. I find joy in the shared space with the sprouting basil I threw in the beds and dogs hopping around the overgrown weeds from the thick moisture.
I’ve moved from 3 different spaces this month. My brain is exhausted from prepping, boxing, deliberating, debating and prioritizing like a perfectly functioning robot of society. I make banana bread and bean salad in the spacious kitchen next to the dogs. I kick my feet up and play Mario Kart on the switch in bed.
The act of noticing, nourishing, and sustaining are all floating back into my awareness. I access grace again. I access compassion. I access the space of imagination in my mind. I’m making art again, which I remember, is the entire point.
Shame gets me nowhere. It puts me in a box when I aim to move like I have wings and a gust of wind behind my back. I look to god for answers. I look to the earth for companionship. I hang with my dog and remember purpose. I turn to myself and find what feels like the opposite of shame, it’s love.
I offer these words today as the balm to cut through the noise of having it all figured out. I offer compassion for all of the places that we’ve tried to use shame to move us into a different space. I offer care for all of the ways our bodies and minds try to convince us of anything less.
I head to NY for the next stent. I’m so excited to connect with pals and acquaintances and shops and spaces alike. If this is you, reach out. If you would like to host me, I would love to chat with you!
These are my last few events in ATL before I’m gone:
❤️ Night market In Cabbagetown this weekend next to Little’s. Come get a burger and hang with us, grab a candle, and listen to some music from 5-10pm.
❤️ I’ll be at Nectar Yoga the following weekend hosting a working from 1-3pm that Sunday: Tarot 101. Sign ups are here
Thx as always,
