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I listened to Sarah’s podcast about decision-making magic this week, and it hit pretty hard. It validated the fatigue in making decisions all of the time especially for those of us who are neurodivergent, disabled, and navigating life with chronic illness.
Some of the decisions I’ve currently been encountering feel really big. These have included things like where to financially invest in alignment with my business and what credit card will help me rebuild towards my goal of expansion after deep contraction. Other decisions are smaller like what to cook for dinner, when to take breaks to walk my dog, and what days to allot for studio time or writing.
I reckon the rigidity I’ve accompanied with decision-making comes from a lifetime of people-pleasing, of being scared to let my family down, and feeling at odds with the decisions when they have been very different from those around me for a very long time. The uncertainty in decision-making can also feel very much like right and wrong when freelance work can mean saying yes to that nicer meal or saying yes to the material for craft or saying yes to paying off debt. The callous nature of decision-making can also feel like life and death when varying levels of bodily autonomy and safety are involved.
In looking back over the course of my Saturn return, my decision-making has been tethered with a reclamation of self. I’ve built more trust with my body and my process in the act of saying no. I often forget that by removing myself— by saying no— I am making a decision.
I used to think that others would recognize my solidarity by being present in a space. I now understand that my absence makes just as much, if not more, of an impact. The difference now lies in the fact that by saying no, I’ve opened up space for all that requires me to say yes. The yes hits different than the no.
I am able to move from a place of constantly dismantling to one of rebuilding.
I said yes to hanging my work at the climbing gym in order to gain more agency in a male-driven space. I said yes to investing in clothing production that pays their staff livable wages even if it’s more than I’ve ever paid for blanks. I said yes to a lease in hopes that I can pay off some debt before any movement transpires. I said yes to a new couch and studio and making myself a bedspread.
The yes allows me to to see a reality where the moments of fatigue are lessened because I’m in closer relationship with my community. So next time I’m in the middle of cutting the fruit, starting the laundry, getting the yard ready for seeds, and the bees decide to swarm, the laundry can be moved to the dryer by hands other than my own.
So I leave you with this:
What do you want to say yes to?
💔 Fariha’s share on parasocial relationship. Subscribe to their newsletter for incredible reckonings and/or grab their new book for an investigative lens on wellness culture
💔 Tortuguita’s autopsy report (TW). I am feeling incredibly saddened by this death and the lack of transparency in this movement for many reasons. I encourage those who are invested in this movement to investigate their place alongside privilege, ability, and safety. I am doing the same.
💔 Recommitted myself in listening to Love and Rage by Lama Rod Owens
💔 Eve Brown has a call for stories on loss
💔 I received Barry’s Oracle Deck and while my mom decided she want my copy, I was able to secure another through them and am just so enamored with their work. Please take a look as Gentle Reminders is everything and more.
💔 This Bonnie Tsui quote
💔 Nicole Hernandez’s beautiful photograph at the Hartsfield Jackson Airport in Atlanta
💔 Mari is selling her homemade tortillas filled with so much ancestral care at Fish Monger
💔A portion of the proceeds from this newsletter go towards the Forest Defense Fund.
May our boundaries continue to protect our spirit,
Meredith
Totally hear you on the decision making - I’ve woken some of this into my post tomorrow. Will read the rest now...