Change that Happens to Us As a Result of Change that We Ask For

My House is Being Sold and I’m Tattooing :)

Dear readers,

I got news this week that my house is being sold. I sit somewhere between feeling completely stuck and completely free — a space between the tower and the moon. I’m being asked to trust this chapter not knowing where it’s going. I know I’ve been through the portal of change many times over, and there’s something acute about losing a home during a time when absolutely nothing is certain.

This place has held me for 6 years. This house became my home — with several different selves, a snake, thousands of bees, a lover, a feral dog, amazing neighbors, bands on tour, and friends between homes. This house became my home through countless covid nights, tilling in the yard with uncertainty, and vivid moments between what was, what is, and what can be.

Catching a swarm in the front yard between my house and Deb’s next door

I moved in the day after Christmas 2018 and spent most of 2019 completely fucking around. I dated a lot, I traveled a lot, I said YES to life. I found non monogamy and credit card debt. I dated a stupid guy in film, a dreamy German, and made out with lots of European babes. I came back to this home with a newfound love for life, ready to channel that energy into my practice.

I took on the lease solo January 2020, and my life changed. The world changed. This place brought me sanctuary in a time when everything fell apart and was never put back together. This place allowed me the chance to dismantle my old life, come out, get sober, and rebuild in ways I didn’t know possible.

I reckon the amount of untethering that happened here is proportionate to the level of safety I was able to access in my bones alongside this home. I don’t know that I’ll have another opportunity quite like this one ever again.

There’s something really shocking(?) that happens when I call on change as a tool of alchemy. My mind says I’m ready for change and I speak out loud I’m ready for change and my ancestors ask “are you ready for change?” And god says “yes, we see you asking for change. Do you want change?”

I say yes! And then my life changes!

My pronouns change. My job changes. My community changes. My house changes. My roommate changes. My body changes. My thoughts change. My ideas around success change. My entire reality changes.

These changes don’t happen all at once. I ask for a sign, a nudge, a sprinkle of hope for all that can be. God changes one little thing, opens a door, and I step through it. I step through the portal of change one foot at a time. I am reminded that every time I say yes to change, I am brought to my knees in surrender. I say to myself “am I going to be okay?” And then god says “watch this!”

I’ve been thinking about the change we desire and don’t know how to adopt. How do we allow ourselves to fall into the pit of change, in all of its exciting and fearful footing, without knowing the way?

I notice myself embracing change with a looser grip. When things feel clunky, I get curious and ask questions. If things feel off, I pivot. When things feel heavy, I release. When something outside of me rushes, I ask for slowness.

The stakes surrounding change feel higher because my dreams are within reach.

Surprise! I’m tattooing! I have a tattoo raffle going until the end of March to help pay off some debt and invest in new tattoo supplies. Please share it widely with all of your people so that I can start to make some movement in ways that feel aligned, lovely, and supportive while my housing dynamics shift.

I am also looking for residencies, work trade, and any sort of “I’m traveling, touring, need my dog to be watched for a few weeks while away” inquiries right now! If any of these things feel open and available to you, please reach out. I’m letting myself be surprised by what is to come.

The stakes are higher because my dreams are here.

Thank you for being here in this lifetime with me,

Meredith

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