Calling It Back
Deescalating My Role in The Mix of Things
Dear reader,
God is asking me to relinquish my grip on things. But I have no answers! My house is under contract! I’m annoyed! I’m curious! I’m concerned! I’m free-falling!
As a doer and nosey little bitch, I’ve had my hand in the pot of repair for a long time. I give myself a pat on the back for being an active participant amidst the swirls of chaos! Wow! Exceptionalism!
But lately I don’t want it. I don’t want to know! I don’t need to be in the mix! I want to be left out — left out by the creek with my toes in the water. I want to drift in my thoughts of imagination and play and wonder. I want to sit in the nooks and crannies of my inner world so vast that I surf into space uncharted.
I think back to the birthing of Root Inward in 2023 — why I took the time to make it. I missed making art for myself. I missed the privacy of personhood. I longed for the separation of self and of work.
The trials and tribulations of my freelance career, my dating life, my queer journey have all been posted on the pages of an app that meant so much to my image and so little to my self-worth. I willingly allowed critique to situate itself within my ecosystem even though most of those voices should’ve been cast out like a spirit stuck between this realm and the next.
The funny thing about writing and sharing is the lack of grace. There’s a lost connection between the screen of reality, of friendship, and of understanding the messy bits of self. The grid assigns right-and-wrong to imperfection that I’ve grown to find incredibly beautiful.
I lost parts of self because I was scared of being bad. The confines of shame so loud with an upbringing of religion and an acute sense of proper activism. I’m coming back around to the idea that people can change. People do change — if they want to. Shame isn’t the tool that I want to use to allow that change to happen.
I’m being asked to show up so big in body that people believe in change by the very noticing of my practice. I’m being asked to shift my identity like the tides on the shore — with consistency, with nurturance, with great big pushes through the storm and small gentle ones the seeing eye may barely notice.
I find myself longing for people that aren’t afraid to show me who they really are. I find myself falling in love with experience that welcomes messy exchange. I find myself ready to dive into conversation that welcomes a hot take.
My listening ears are fully attuned to where my energy is being welcomed in the cosmos of connection. I feel more boundaried about what channels I choose to honor as my own truths. Self-advocacy has been on the table with Venus, Mercury, Mars, and Neptune asking, begging, for new avenues of connection and relating and loving and working and cultivating the world we long for.
The more I learn, the less I know. The more I try, the more I believe in the nuance of experience. The more willing I am to remain soft, the more I’m reminded of the beauty of connection.
I leave you with these messy reckonings. I leave you with permission. Give yourself permission to be unlikable. Give yourself permission to change your mind. Give yourself permission to call your energy back. Give yourself permission to let people change on their own time. Give yourself permission to focus on your own shit for a little while and tune into what the universe is asking of you.
I am working a handful of markets and tarot events in the coming weeks. I’ll be at Waller’s Coffee in Decatur on 4/19 with the Sierra Club with new candles, stickers, and prints from 10-3pm. I’ll be at the Southern Fried Queer Fried Spring Fling event on 4/27 from 1-5pm.
I will be facilitating individual and group-related tarot sessions with Camp Full Moon from 5/16-5/19 in the Blue Ridge Mountains. If this is something that is of interest to you, please reach out and/or sign up with the above link. If you missed the last Press Shop Full Moon event, I will be hosting another one June 10th. If you are looking for individual tarot support outside of this, shoot me an email. I am going to open bookings at the Goat Farm as it feels like a need right now.
Otherwise, you may personally support me by entering the tattoo raffle below. I’ve been allowing myself to slowly learn the ropes of tattooing and this shit is so fun. This raffle is ATL specific (for now)!
Thank you so much for taking the time with these words! I send you care as we continue to unravel what is not ours and show up in our bodies with courage and grace.
Meredith