As Big as a Tree and Small as a Bee; As Winding as a River and Courageous as a Mountain
On Being Nonbinary
This winter brought me aloneness, not to be confused with loneliness. One protected by craft, commitment to self, and a deep dive with my relationship to activism as it felt impeded by relationship to personal identity.
I was cradled in the pages of Hanif and Lama Rod. I was cradled in the work of Bisa and Frida and Leonora. I was cradled in the flutes of Andre’ and the stitches of my root inward quilt and the smell of my protection candle. I was cradled in the pages of memory in my mind. I was cradled in the relinquishing of all that is no longer mine to hold.
I gave some things away, I sold some shit from exes, I smashed some things that energetically deserved to be broken. I painted my hallway and hung my plants. I repotted and framed big art. I sat in readings that mirrored back to me the things I needed to hear. I honored the call to take up all the space I had yet to take up.
That space very quickly became the identity of being nonbinary.
It’s something I’ve always been — more akin to the trees in the movies than the princesses. My queerness allows me to feel as big as an ocean and small as a minnow and winding as a river and fierce as a redwood. I feel connected to you and me and all that is to be nourished like the mycelium in the ground and the wind that carries information from one plant to the next. I feel as courageous as a mountain jutting into the sky and as vulnerable as a bee falling asleep in a flower for an afternoon nap.
Being nonbinary means embracing emotion in its most expansive ways. It means I am pissed and yelling and putting my feet to pavement in resistance to Cop City one day and the next means cuddling with my Queer Book Club and dancing to Troye Sivan in the living room. It means pushing myself into inversions in yoga so that I may continue to meet my edge with curiosity. It means meditating before going into my hive so as not to disturb their home. It means knowing that having many friends and lovers is exactly right.
Being nonbinary means relinquishing all of the ways I contorted myself to get people to love me. It means I love myself so much more than I could have ever imagined. It means a weight is lifted from my shoulders, my chest, my heart. I never realized how heavy it was to be a particular kind of daughter, to be a particular kind of lover, to be a particular kind of housemate, to be a particular kind of sister.
I offer this to say that coming out as nonbinary has been the most liberating act I’ve ever given myself, and the most terrifying. There’s nowhere for me to hide. It means the people in my life must address that with me or they’re not with me.
Are you with me?
😈 I am a resident vendor at Estoria Market this year! That means I will be there with tarot, protection candles, and small batch items once a month. The next market is on March 3, and we meet outside. Sessions are masked.
😈 The website is updated with tea towels and candles for those who do not live here in Atlanta. I’ve added a code for free ship on orders over $50 with FREESHIP
😈 ALL of my readings are donation-based, as we are moving into uncharted territory interpersonally and collectively. With genocide and the rise in Queer and Trans violence and Cop City, it’s something I feel really called to offer. You can book on Fridays. If something feels inaccessible to you with timelines, reach out.
With so much Care,
I am with you. Thanks for these words. They resonate with my own experience identifying as nonbinary. 🍃🍄🌾